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Hi! I'm Dr Petra.
I'm a psychologist based at University College London and I research sex and relationships. Fire away and ask me what you need to know. Don't be embarrassed - I'm here to sort out all your awkward, personal, and just plain confusing problems |
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| Hi there, I'm feeling so lost, because this isn't exactly the sort of thing friends can help you with - so I was wondering if you had any input...
My parents divorced a year ago due to the fact that my father betrayed my mother. I've never gotten along with him, so to be honest it was finally a relief to get rid of him, and I haven't seen him since. My life improved so much once he was out of the picture, but sadly, he's still having an impact. You'll laugh, and say 'why on earth is an 18 year old worrying about this?!' but basically, I have commitment issues. I meet a guy and become interested, and love the chase, but as soon as he starts to reciprocate the feeling and want to get to know me more, I freak out and run away! One of my closest friends thinks it's better to be overcautious than sleep with every guy left, right and centre, and yes, I definitely agree, but how cautious is too cautious?
I just want to make one thing clear: it's not some secret underlying urge to form a special bond with my father, but he's definitely made me lose all faith in love and marriage, and now I do find it extremely difficult to trust guys. I've acknowledged the fact that it's due to the divorce that I act this way, but what I want to know is: how on earth will I ever overcome this problem?
HELP! Thanks =]
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| Divorce can have an impact on us no matter what age we are when our parents split up. It can be particularly difficult if you’re older when your folks split because you have a greater understanding about what’s going on, and as in your case it can influence how you feel about yourself and potential relationships. The good news is that with time things should get easier, and just because your parents had relationship doesn’t mean you’re necessarily going to repeat the same patterns. The fact that you’ve identified both the problem (the divorce and your relationship with your father) and how it’s affected you (being cautious with guys) means you’re in an ideal position to take steps and sort things out. You can do this yourself in several ways. One way may be to avoid having relationships for a while, just until you feel a bit stronger and have got over the divorce. Another way may be to be upfront with lads you like and explain you have issues currently because of the divorce. At least that way they know what’s going on if you start blowing hot and cold.
Alternatively, when you notice you are feeling threatened then you can take a step back and see what’s triggered it. It might be you are right to feel that way, or perhaps you’re being oversensitive. Talking over how you feel with a close friend could help, as might having some space to reflect and calm down. Reminding yourself that not all men will betray you as your father did your mother can help, and ensuring you stay confident should also protect you from attracting (or at least not being able to get rid of) a guy who’s likely to make you feel bad.
If those steps don’t help then you may wish to consider speaking to a counselor to help you feel better. If you are at college there may be one available to you, or you can speak to your local young people’s centre or GP and ask if they can refer you to someone. It doesn’t mean lifelong therapy, but tackling how you feel with someone who listens could be a big help.
Remember you’ve had a big shock and divorce is upsetting for all so it’s still early days. Don’t expect to feel better immediately, but rest assured you should be okay in the future as you know what’s going on – and you want to do something about it. Good luck. |
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