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Hi! I'm Dr Petra.
I'm a psychologist based at University College London and I research sex and relationships. Fire away and ask me what you need to know. Don't be embarrassed - I'm here to sort out all your awkward, personal, and just plain confusing problems |
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| I know that one of my best friends self-harms. I've asked him loads of times about why he does it and I try to sound like I'm just interested but it's scary seeing the scars on his arms and this huge one where he practically pulled the skin off a bit. I've asked him if he'll ever stop and he says he doesn't want to. I've told him I won't tell his mum or the teachers because I don't want him not to trust me but I'm scared because I know he'll keep doing it and I'm scared he might kill himself. I decided to write to you because he can't find out if I tell you. I just want to know what I should do so he won't hate me but will be ok. |
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| This is a tricky one. Clearly his harming is helping him cope, but it’s also risky since he could seriously injure or even kill himself. It’s unfair of him to make this into your problem however. If he harms again and tells you about it then I would be brave and very calmly ask him why he is showing/telling you. He doesn’t want you to tell anyone, but clearly he wants you to witness what he is doing. Either this means it helps him in some way, or he secretly does want you to tell someone else. Asking him calmly may identify why he is acting in this way. It also gives you the chance to tell him (again very calmly) that although you care for him, you cannot keep hearing about his harming. Explain it is distressing you and making you concerned for him. You can also say how it makes you feel pressured not to be able to tell his mum or your teachers.
Remember you are his friend not his therapist, and you can only support him not solve this for him. You do not have to take on this responsibility and although it doesn’t feel like something a good friend would do, it is better for you psychologically not to have to be a party to this. You can support him in getting help, and encourage him to find ways to manage his harming. But that does not mean you have to keep hearing about it – particularly if he seems to be taking no action to stop. Bizarrely the more you witness it, the more he may feel able to harm and tell you but not tackle the underlying problems causing his harming behaviour. Encourage him to think about what drives him to harm, then suggest he seeks help from appropriate sources. Do not feel you have to help him solve what’s causing the problems, that’s not your job. You may find the resource on self harm from the National Children’s Bureau can help and MKP has some useful resources to read also. The exception to this advice is if you think he is at risk of suicide (accidental or deliberate) in which case you should tell someone – your family, his family, a teacher – whoever can help. Self harm thrives on people keeping secrets, and while it may be good to keep confidences there are times when someone puts us in a position where we cannot stay silent.
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