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Hi! I'm Dr Petra.
I'm a psychologist based at University College London and I research sex and relationships. Fire away and ask me what you need to know. Don't be embarrassed - I'm here to sort out all your awkward, personal, and just plain confusing problems |
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| So... I've had a huge crush on my guy friend on and off for a very long time, and recently I've had really strong feelings.
We'd been hanging out in a group for a while and on the rare occasion on our own. A lot of people know I have a crush on him and according to my friends he knows as well.
About a month ago he texted me saying that he used to fancy me, So I thought maybe his feelings for me could return...
Anyway the last couple of days have been awful because I found out my best friend is now going out with him, he told me.
I was really upset because she knew how I felt about him and she didn't tell me herself. I was so sad I even cried myself to sleep one night. It's really got me down and my friend is really rubbing it in, saying how her and her "boyfriend" are doing this and that. She keeps asking me to come along but I really don't want to be around them when they're acting all couply, it just makes me feel sad....
I feel betrayed
HELP!
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| This is a tough one. I guess the lesson learned is to speak up about your feelings as soon as you can, even if it does feel scary. Unfortunately there’s not much you can do now as he is with her. It wouldn’t be fair to try and split them up – although I can understand it’ll feel very tempting! That said, you don’t have to put yourself through more pain, so you can assertively say to them both that you wish them well but because you had feelings for him in the past it’s difficult to see them together now. You can still see her separately when you feel strong enough (probably best not to see him on his own right now). Hopefully in time this will resolve itself and you can be friends with them both.
Although it’s understandable you feel betrayed or think she’s trying to rub it in, but in reality she probably isn’t doing this on purpose and it’s not really a betrayal since you hadn’t made it clear to either of them how you felt. Which doesn’t make it any less painful to deal with. Give yourself some time to get over it. Cry if you need to. Realise there will be other guys out there for you and don’t interpret their behaviour as aimed at you. Instead focus on other things to distract you and focus on the fact this will get easier.
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