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Hi! I'm Petra Boynton.
I'm a sex researcher with over 10 years experience. My PhD is on porn (truly!), assessing the effects of sex in the media. I train health professionals to talk about sex, and advise a number of organisations like the Family Planning Association, and BBC World Service on sex coverage. I've a regular telephone sex phone in on the BBC, and write several columns on sex and relationships. |
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| Hi Petra, This is quite a random question but I’ve been thinking… is it better to lose your virginity to someone who has much more experience than you?
I'm not sure at the moment because i really like this guy and i like being with him but i feel really inexperienced, because he's older than me and he's done it more than me. he keeps saying that we can't do this or that, like me go on top, because i'm too tight, etc. at the moment i'm really confused whether i want a relationship with him or i want to learn how to have sex with someone who doesn’t know what to do that well either (god that sounds so weird). What do you think?
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| There’s a lot of fuss made about ‘experience’ with the suggestion that the more people you sleep with the better you’ll be in bed. It doesn’t necessarily follow that having had more experience makes you a good lover. That’s because each person you have sex with should be a new experience. Everyone is different. They’ll have different things that turn them on and off, and they may find something they didn’t enjoy with one person is fantastic with someone else. One of the real pleasures of a relationship is discovering together things that make you feel amazing. What isn’t so good is where you’ve a partner who assumes they know what works for you and decides to direct things – it’s not going to be much of a turn on for you and it doesn’t allow you both to explore what could feel good together.
This guy may be older and have had more sexual partners than you, but that doesn’t make him better or more knowledgeable in bed. Particularly if he doesn’t seem willing to listen to your wants or needs. It could be his current suggestions are based purely on what’s feeling good to him – and it’s fair enough for him to tell you if something is uncomfortable for him. But it might also be that he’s assuming he knows what works because he’s just doing what he wants – and that’s not a recipe for good sex.
You don’t have to have had sex to know what you want. But you do need a partner who’ll listen and explore. If this guy doesn’t seem able to do this then you’re right to go with your instinct and find someone who wants to share with you. They don’t have to be experienced or inexperienced, they just have to be interested in your opinions – and someone like that is always going to be a wonderful lover. Let us know when you find him!
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